Pass The Poi Please
by Mary Elliott
Summary: A fun get together with friends along with a bit of revenge. Follows The Doctor Is In to complete this silliness.


PASS THE POI PLEASE

Author's notes: this is the third and last of my short cross over stories starting with Three Captains Walk Into a Bar, and The Doctor Is In.

NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS STORY.

The author wishes to apologize to any person, real or fictional, who feels they were made to look foolish, boorish or any other kind of ish. No malice was intended.

You are traveling to another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose only boundaries is that of imagination. Next stop is… the Twilight Zone, fan fic division. I'm Mary Elliott and I'll be your guide.

Imagine if you will a time and place where military men past, present, and future can meet for a holiday weekend of music, food, fun... and revenge! (Cue scary music and evil laughter heard off-screen**.**)

Higgins was making the final preparation for roasting the pig when Thomas Magnum interrupted him for thehundredth time.

"Don't forget, Higgie, you need to have four separate tables set up; one with the five admirals, two large ones for the forty crewmembers from _Seaview_ and finally the one for Lee and his friends."

"Magnum, against my advice Robin Masters has allowed you to have this Labor Day luau on his estate. I have handled affairs for heads of states, and I surely can handle this… this shindig of yours. I'm only worried about one thing and I have made special arrangements to prevent it from occurring. (More evil laughter)

Thomas shuddered to think what would happen if Higgins failed. He had heard the horror stories about the attack from two years ago. The ringing of his cell phone interrupted his thoughts.

"Yes Admiral Nelson. We received your shipment, don't worry**,** I'm sure we won't run out of liquor. What is that? No, we will keep a close eye on everything; no one will be able to tamper with it. Gibbs is loaning us one of his agents to be the bartender, just to be on the safe side. Tony has been briefed on what to look for. He has very reliable descriptions of several of the attackers. This is a private estate with high-tech security. Don't worry**,** sir, everything will be fine. Yes, I'll see you at 1400 hours."

Magnum barely disconnected the phone when it rang again.

"Admiral Starke, yes**,** sir. Mr. Lopaka has been in touch with me. He had Commander Crane under surveillance since _Seaview _docked. No sir, he has not been anywhere near the FS1. Crane and Morton left the sub at the same time and have not gone back on board. Yes, sir, they spent all of yesterday at the beach and later bar hopping. No sir, Captain Rabb was not with them; however, they did have a couple drinks with a Marine major and an Army colonel. Yes, Tom Lopaka is an experienced P I, you can rely on him. He'll keep Crane under surveillance until he arrives at Robin's Nest. Yes**,** sir, we'll see you at 1400 hours."

Thomas closed his cell phone shaking his head. Lee really had Starke spooked about being attacked by the flying sub. He grinned**,** lifted his trademark eyebrow, and wondered how Crane was going to pull off the prank. He would enjoy seeing that pompous windbag looking over his shoulder all the time. It was also nice to throw some work to Tom.

_Meanwhile at Lee's and Chip's room at the Wicky Wacky Hotel..._

Lee Crane was double-checking the map and timetable. He looked relaxed; Chip Morton didnot.

"Lee, I think you've lost it. I know Admiral Starke makes your life miserable but he is a four star, the COMSUBPAC."

"You worry too much**,** Chip. Jiggs will never know what hit him. I will have a full proof alibi. Harm has made up with AJ so that's one less admiral looking to be pranked. Harm told me he's just going to enjoy the party, he doesn't want to get involved in my scheme. Mac kicked him out of the bedroom for a month after the last little stunt. Thanks to my friends I'll get my revenge and no one can ever prove I was responsible for the attack."

(Evil laughter heard off-screen)

Chip looked around the room, puzzled by the sound.

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"Crazy laughter, I keep hearing crazy laughter every time you mention revenge."

"Chip, I think you've been working around your computers too long; your circuit board has a loose connection."

"Ha ha very funny, I still say you are crazy to go ahead with your plan. Don't you remember what the Admiral did to you after last year's Labor Day barbecue? It was bad enough that you and Harm got carried away during the flying exhibition and dive bombed AJ and Jiggs; when hethought you were drunk he reallyhit the ceiling."

Lee unconsciously rubbed his backside.

"I didn't realize Nelson was such a firm believer in corporal punishment. I mean, telling me if I was going to act like a bratty kid, he was going to treat me like one. You know I wasn't drunk, I only had two drinks and no one got hurt."

Chip snickered. "Well it did give a new meaning to **standing** watch."

Lee threw a book at him. Chip ducked.

"I'm out of here. I'm going to take a dip in the ocean before we have to leave. Please**,** Lee; give up this insane idea of years."

Crane just shook his head and reached for the phone to call Joe and Pappy. They wanted to go over the instructions once more. By the end of the day, he would have his revenge!

(Evil laughter and scary music off-screen)

This time it was Lee who looked around, thinking maybe he'd been undersea too long.

_Unknown location (Mission impossible theme song playing in background)..._

The three groups were double checking their equipment and making sure that the backpacks were correctly loaded. It wouldn't do to successfully breach Robin's Nest security and not have the necessary items. The three leaders had met and agreed to join forces; alone they didn't have a chance, together the mission could not fail! Yelling for everyone to listen up, each member was given last-minute instructions for "Plan B". They had received Intel from their spy Agatha who had found out Higgins' plans. They would not fail this time!

_Robin's Nest at 1300 hours..._

Tony was setting up the bar, still mad at Gibbs. When told he was going undercover in Hawaii during the luau at Robin Masters's estate, he imagined a completely different scenario. Well at least he could look at the dancers. Gibbs was going over the plans for tomorrow**'s** cookout. He was going to show off his steak grilling skills.

Jethro came up behind DiNozzo, smacking him on the head.

"Keep your mind on the job. You don't know how resourceful these women are. You wouldn't believe what plots and schemes they have come up with; be prepared for anything."

"But they look so harmless."

"Harmless! Do you know how much damage this group of women has done? How many people they have hurt and killed. And let's not mention all the bombs and explosives they have set off to achieve their goals. Some of them are not above torture to get the job done. Don't underestimate these women!"

By 1400, almost everyone had arrived. Admiral Nelson had arranged for several vans to transport the crew. This way, the men could enjoy themselves without worrying about getting safely home. About 40 crewmembers had chosen to attend the party and they quickly got their first drinks then sat down at their tables. Admiral Nelson, acting as hosts, greeted the other four admirals.

"Admiral Kirk, I'm glad you decided to join the admirals' table this time. I'm sure you remember Admiral Starke and Admiral Chegwidden from last year's party. This is Admiral Hawkes who is stationed at Pearl; he has worked with Magnum on a couple assignments."

Nelson filled glasses from his special stock and the officers leaned back to enjoy the dancers and musicians. Jiggs still looked around nervously whenever there was a sound of rustling wind. Even though he had received a final report from Tom Lopaka that Crane never returned to _Seaview_, he was still worried. That arrogant young man even had the gall to keep looking over at him and then looking up towards the sky, grinning.

Starke slowly started to relax as Harry kept the liquor flowing freely. Jiggs was enjoying watching the dancers, especially the one closest to their table. Could she really be flirting with him?

When the dancers took their break, the women moved among the guests. Two of them approached the admirals**'**table including the one Starke had his eye on. AJ and Kirk were busy with the other dancer while Jiggs' friend was making her intention known to him.

"Why don't you meet me on the beach later, I can give you a couple private lessons?" the beautiful Hawaiian whispered. "I know a place where we won't be disturbed."

Not believing his luck, Jiggs quickly agreed to meet her at seven o'clock. Before he could say anything else, there was a loud disturbance made by two men who were arguing as they approached the tables. Quickly, Lee and Chip jumped up from their seats sensing trouble. They hurried to intercept the two quarreling men.

"What the hell is going on here?"

The first man, dressed in a bright Hawaiian shirt, turned towards Crane. He was about the same height as Lee but had a heavier build and looked about 10 years older.

"It's very simple, as head of Five-0 I received an invitation to this luau. My name is Steve McGarrett. This man has been following me the last 15 miles on his motorcycle and claims he has an invitation to this party."

"I don't see what the problem is**,** Mr. McGarrett. Magnum told me he was inviting some people. Why shouldn't this man also have been invited?"

"I'll tell you why," the younger man yelled. "I'm Steve McGarrett, and _I_ happen to be in charge of Five-0."

Mr. Hawaiian Shirt turned redder. "This man is an imposter, and a pretty bad one at that."

"Why the hell would I impersonate someone who has hair like yours? A hurricane couldn't move it."

Lee and Chip looked at each other, they had experienced time travel, but there was no way these two were the same men at different ages. Chip leaned close to Lee and whispered in his ear. "It must be a _Twilight Zone_ thing."

"You mean like the two different Darrins or Ms. Ellies?"

"Don't get me started on that. Just go with the flow skipper, let them both enjoy the party."

"Okay guys. Listen up. We decided this is some sort of sci-fi thing. You know, two different persons inhabiting the same entity at the same time, probably different dimensions, some sort of time warp thingamajig. I'm sure Admiral Nelson, the genius that he is, could explain it a lot better. However, he is drunk right now and couldn't explain how totie his shoes. You are both welcome to enjoy the party, but no fighting."

"How are you going to introduce us? We both can't be Steve McGarrett**,**" the first McGarrett whined.

"How about Tweddledee and Tweddledum," Chip muttered under his breath.

Lee sent him a warning look before addressing the men again.

"I don't suppose you would agree to senior and junior?"

Both men cross their arms and stared at him.

"Stephen and Steve maybe?"

No reaction. Chip whispered in Lee's ear again. "I still say Tweedledee and Tweedledum."

Lee stomped on the XO's foot.

"How about an alias, pretending that you're working undercover. You look like a Jack," and turning to the younger man, "you look like an Alex; how about that?"

Both Steves looked at each other then back at Lee.

"Okay, just so we don't have to sit together."

Lee quickly motioned towards the bar. The two officers watched as the Steves made their way to the bar.

"Quit pushing. I still say I make a better McGarrett."

"In your dreams, old man. I'm a SEAL; you couldn't do half the stuff I do."

They continued to snap at each other as they got their drinks.

"I thought we were bad," laughed Lee.

"Come on, they're ready to serve the roasted pig. I'm starving."

The next couple of hours were spent enjoying the feast. Thankfully, the food help sobered up some of the men, including Admiral Nelson. As the waitresses removed dishes, the MC came forward.

"We have something special planned for you tonight!"

Before the entertainers could take the stage, a large helicopter appeared overhead dangling heavy ropes. Nine black clad intrudersrepelled down, landing in front of the two officers' tables asthree of the waitstaff appeared suddenly behind Nelson, Crane, and Morton, pressinga metal object firmlyagainst their backs.

Higgins sprang into action.

"Zeus, Apollo protect!" The dogs quickly obeyed, standing in front of the tables, bearing their sharp teeth.

Beverly yelled out "Activate Plan B."

Sue and two others reached into their backpacks and removed three adorable female cats that pranced over to Zeus and Apollo, looked them in the eyes, meowed, turned and wiggled their cute fluffy behinds, lifted their tails at the two Dobermans and pranced away. Zeus and Apollo looked at each other and shook their large heads. They were just insulted by some pieces of fur and they weren't going to stand for that. The race was on as the cats took off, each going in different directions, the dogs bounding after them.

"Zeus, Apollo, heel!" ordered Higgins. "Zeus, Apollo!" Higgins ran after them. "Zeus Apollo, stop. Come back. Come back to daddy," Higgins cried as he raced across the lawn.

The intruders started towards the three officers when Admiral Kirk and Dr. McCoy opened fire with their phasers, which were set on stun, barely missing two of the intruders before Lee ordered the firing to stop.

"Who are you and what you want from us?" Crane demanded.

The black clad group removed their hoods. "It's very simple," Rita explained**.** "We are Lee's Luscious Ladies."

Kathy stepped up**.** "We are Chip's Cuties."

Helen claimed, "We're Harry's Harem." She explained further. "Your PA Department kept refusing our requests, so we took matters into our own hands."

"What do you want from us?" repeated Admiral Nelson.

Chip was just eyeing his group of cuties; this luau was looking up, he thought.

Diane offered an explanation. "We want pictures, lots and lots of pictures. Plus your autograph on the photos we have all of you in action aboard_Seaview_."

"We also brought some brownies and cookies, we know how much Lee and Chip like their sweets," contributed Storm.

"Don't forget the Admiral's Scotch," yelled Helen.

"I want to check out your lab," requested Michelle.

"And we want a tour of the _Seaview_; we need to see where the brig really is located. We also want to see Sick Bay, and want to know where Chip's cabin is. What side of the room is Lee's bunk really on?" Pauline, Carol and Jo all voiced their desires from behind three men as they removed the cell phones that had been stuck against the men's backs.

The _Seaview _officers looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders**.** _Why not_?

"How can we refuse such resourceful women? We'll gladly sign and pose for you and tomorrow you are more than welcome to come aboard the boat. You may take as many pictures as you want except, of course, the classified areas. Now**,** why don't you join us for a drink and watch the dancers. I believe the MC mentioned something special." The Admiral escorted the Harry's Harem group to his table.

Jiggs took advantage of the commotion and went to meet his lady friend on the beach. His leaving did not go unnoticed by Lee and Kirk. At Crane's nod, Jim opened up his communicator and gave the word. Lee would soon have his revenge! (_Evil laughter sounds off screen_)

Sue and Mary looked around at the sound and grinned at each other. This was going to be good.

Admiral Starke found Lulu from the luau waiting for him on the beach.

"Come this way Sugar Bear, there's a private cove just down the beach when no one will bother us."

A five-minute stroll brought them to the secluded spot; a bottle ofchilledwine was in a bucket of ice and a blanket spread out on the sand.

"Why don't you take off your shoes and open the wine. I'm just going to change into my bikini. Don't peak, I'll be right behind those rocks; just lay back and relax. You're going to have the experience of a lifetime," Lulu promised.

As soon as she got behind the rock formation, Lulu activated the flare, stuck it in the sand and ran.

Above the beach in the cloaked FS1, three men waited for the signal, already alerted by Kirk's transmission.

"You realize, Joe, how much damage we could have done with all this equipment when we were fighting our war. The enemy would never have known what hit them."

"Well Pappy, from what I've heard, you hit them pretty hard without all these gadgets."

The third member of the group spoke up. "I hate to interrupt your guy's reminiscence, but there's the signal."

"Get ready to make the drop, remember when the hatch opens; the inside of the ship will be visible. Pappy will shut off as much light as possible seconds before the drop."

"Don't worry, Gallagher, I've done sneakier missions than this one with my team," the cigar smoking man quipped. "But you do have to hand it to Hawkeye for suggesting this to Lee. Are you sure you know how to handle that camera? Crane really wants his pictures."

"Don't worry about us, just do your part."

FS1 was in position for the attack! Joe wiped his damp hands on his pants and grabbed the stick, lowering the ship to 50 feet above their target.

"Now, drop it now!"

The net was pushed out of the hatch; the cord yanked it open, spilling out 40 pounds of fish heads and entrails on the man below.

"Bull's-eyes, he didn't even look up," yelled Boyington.

"I love it when a plan comes together."

The still cloaked flying sub bolted from the area. (_Evil laughter was heard off-screen... I said evil laughter... Stop that giggling. Who's writing this anyway? What the hell, go ahead and giggle_).

YOU ARE NOW LEAVING THE TWILIGHT ZONE


End file.
